Rejected Breakfast Cereal Mascots

Number 15 In An Ongoing Series

2005-05-16T03:34:00.000-07:00

Simon the Psychedelic Salmon

“Like, dude, I've been inside my mind, and looked out on the other side of my soul. It's a dark place man, full of strange whirly thingies... like, don't look too hard man or you'll get lost in the forest of your mind. And, um, eat some cereal or something...”

Although it seemed the best of all possible worlds for Wacky Flakes, Simon was quietly fired after a public appearance where he mistook a young autograph seeker for a large grizzly bear and began to scream in Hebrew. He currently lives in Humboldt County, California, in a tent on the Grizzly Creek Redwoods park. He used to follow Phish around, and still actually believes that the band plays for him, in his head, every night.

Number 14 In An Ongoing Series

2005-04-04T04:38:00.000-07:00

Thomas Mann

“It is a strange fact that freedom and equality, the two basic ideas of democracy, are to some extent contradictory. Logically considered, freedom and equality are mutually exclusive, just as society and the individual are mutually exclusive. But inasmuch as we retain the capacity for freedom, we must exercise this capacity by choosing to begin our day with Happy Flakes.”

Whereas advertisers first believed Mann's high "Q" rating with the toddler set would ensure brisk cereal sales, controversy over Mann's homosexuality ensured that Happy Flakes would never sell in the South. The brand folded, and Mann was summarily left to pursue his fortunes on "The Gong Show".

Number 13 In An Ongoing Series

2005-03-29T01:36:00.000-08:00

Boris the Bubonic-Plague Bear

“Hasten to my words, mortal children, for soon the specter of grim Death shall walk again in the countries of Man and we shall fall as wheat before the reaper's mighty scythe. But, whilst we still draw breath we shall enjoy a nice bowl of Frosty Sugar Flakes.”

Boris' fascination with death proved too much of a liability for potential advertisers, and the promotion was discontinued after only two commercials had been shot. Boris currently works as the night attendant at a water-slide park outside of Tampa Bay, Florida, and is only three credits away from finishing his degree in Space Botany.

Number 12 in an Ongoing Series

2005-01-31T03:18:00.000-08:00

(That's the breaks, that's the breaks),
And she runs off with him to Japan,
And the IRS says they want to chat,
And you can't explain why you claimed your cat." />

Oglethorpe the Old-School Otter

“Yo yo yo! I'm keepin' it real, old-school stylie, straight out of Brooklyn NY, you know? If I ain't old -chool I'll be a damn fool, word to yo' mother! And remember, kids, to have a big heapin' bowl of Flakey Sugar Monkeys every damn morning, so you can grow up to stick it to The Man!!!”

Sadly, Oglethorpe was killed in a drive-by shooting after he was seen wearing British Knights tennis-shoes in the Hamptons.

Number 11 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

Melvin the Methamphetamine-Addled Manatee

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
. . . >gasp< . . .
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAA . . .”

The kids liked Melvin until the focus group accidentally saw footage of him attacking three off-duty police officers outside of a Dunkin’ Donuts in Maryland. It took five officers to subdue him, and his collarbone was broken in the tussle.

Number 10 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-22T01:40:00.000-08:00

Arthur the Antidisestablishmentarian Armadillo

“The keys of the One True Church were given to Peter by the Lord, and it is not the prerogative of Man to abridge this Holy Covenant with Divinity . . . but it is the prerogative of man to eat Wonder Whoopie Crispers in a bowl of creamy milk. So let it be written, so let it be done!”

There was some confusion among tots about whether or not Wonder Whoopie Crispers were properly transubstantiated.

Number 9 In An Ongoing Series

2004-11-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

Spongebob Squarepusher

"I Live In A Pineapple Under The Sea /

Let Me tell You Girl That For Sure /

I'm Gonna Give You All I've Got /

I'm Gonna Fuck You In My Red Hot Pineapple.

Apparently General Mills overestimated the tots' enthusiasm for the music of the Warp Records label, and Nickelodeon subsequently sued.

Number 6 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-04T23:40:00.000-08:00

Warren the Wu-Tang Walrus

“Cash Rules Everything Around Me – C.R.E.A.M., Get The Milk And Make A Balanced Daily Breakfast With Delicious Toasted Oat Poofs, Dollar Dollar Bill, Y’all!”

Apparently the tots were not too eager to enter the 36 chambers of healthy breakfast foods.

Number 8 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-04T23:25:00.000-08:00

Deirdre the Drunken Dolphin

“Man, I Am So Ripped Right Now. My Whole Body Feels Kind Of Tingly, In A Good Way – Kinda Warm. Where Are You Sleeping Tonight? Man, I Like Booze, But Not As Much As, Uh, What The Fuck Are These Things Called? Tootlie-Oot O’s? Uh, OK. Do I Get To Eat After I’m Done?”

This marketing campaign was sadly aborted after Deirdre entered a 12-step program in Seattle, WA. She later became Born-Again and hasn’t had a drop of liquor since 1997.

Number 7 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-04T23:23:00.001-08:00

Dave the Satanic Rubber Duckie

“Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law – Provided You Enjoy A Big Bowl Of Sugar Crunchy Poofter Pops!”

This product push was effectively abandoned after General Mills failed to receive the all-important endorsement of the Church of Satan.

Number 5 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

Otis the Onanistic Orangutan

“The Only Thing That Can Possibly Stop Me From Touching Myself Is A Nice Bowl of Wonder Whoopie Crisps!”

The strange this about Otis is that he did test extremely well with certain focus groups, but still didn’t make the cut. Despite his obvious appeal, it boils down to the probably fact that General Mills, unlike Marvel Comics, didn’t want to be seen as publicly courting the pervert demographic.

Number 4 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-04T23:21:00.000-08:00

Ignatz the Abstract-Expressionist Iguana

"Trying To See The Iguana Is Merely A Vestigial Impulse Of The Euro-Centric Aesthetic Fascism Of Representative Imagery – But If There Was An Iguana, He’d Sure Love To Eat These Delicious Fruity Flakes!"

I don’t know why this one didn’t fly. Kids love modern art. Perhaps there was a licensing snafu.

Number 3 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-04T23:20:00.000-08:00

Kory the Kiss Army Kangaroo

“It's cold gin time again,
You know it's the only thing that keeps us together,
Besides eating a bowlful of these delicious Berry Bunches of Oats!”

Apparently Kiss wasn’t a very recognizable license for the under-five set.

Number 2 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

Alphonse The Jazzy Alligator

"Daddy Needs His Medicine . . . And A Heapin’ Spoonful Of Wacky Sugar Pops!"

For some reason this mascot made a number of General Mills executives very nervous. They did suffer financially after pulling plans for the character, as the had lined-up an extremely lucrative merchandising deal with Oneida to make special Alphonse Alligator cereal/miscellaneous spoons.

Number 1 in an Ongoing Series

2004-11-04T23:17:00.000-08:00

Morris The Suicidal Marsupial

"I Love Fruity Winks So Much I Have To End It All Now."

Apperently this one didn't test very well with confused tots.