Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Number 11 in an Ongoing Series
Melvin the Methamphetamine-Addled Manatee
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
. . . >gasp< . . .
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAA . . .”
The kids liked Melvin until the focus group accidentally saw footage of him attacking three off-duty police officers outside of a Dunkin’ Donuts in Maryland. It took five officers to subdue him, and his collarbone was broken in the tussle.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Number 10 in an Ongoing Series
Arthur the Antidisestablishmentarian Armadillo
“The keys of the One True Church were given to Peter by the Lord, and it is not the prerogative of Man to abridge this Holy Covenant with Divinity . . . but it is the prerogative of man to eat Wonder Whoopie Crispers in a bowl of creamy milk. So let it be written, so let it be done!”
There was some confusion among tots about whether or not Wonder Whoopie Crispers were properly transubstantiated.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Number 9 In An Ongoing Series
Spongebob Squarepusher
"I Live In A Pineapple Under The Sea /
Let Me tell You Girl That For Sure /
I'm Gonna Give You All I've Got /
I'm Gonna Fuck You In My Red Hot Pineapple.
Apparently General Mills overestimated the tots' enthusiasm for the music of the Warp Records label, and Nickelodeon subsequently sued.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Number 6 in an Ongoing Series
Warren the Wu-Tang Walrus
“Cash Rules Everything Around Me – C.R.E.A.M., Get The Milk And Make A Balanced Daily Breakfast With Delicious Toasted Oat Poofs, Dollar Dollar Bill, Y’all!”
Apparently the tots were not too eager to enter the 36 chambers of healthy breakfast foods.
Number 8 in an Ongoing Series
Deirdre the Drunken Dolphin
“Man, I Am So Ripped Right Now. My Whole Body Feels Kind Of Tingly, In A Good Way – Kinda Warm. Where Are You Sleeping Tonight? Man, I Like Booze, But Not As Much As, Uh, What The Fuck Are These Things Called? Tootlie-Oot O’s? Uh, OK. Do I Get To Eat After I’m Done?”
This marketing campaign was sadly aborted after Deirdre entered a 12-step program in Seattle, WA. She later became Born-Again and hasn’t had a drop of liquor since 1997.
Number 7 in an Ongoing Series
Dave the Satanic Rubber Duckie
“Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law – Provided You Enjoy A Big Bowl Of Sugar Crunchy Poofter Pops!”
This product push was effectively abandoned after General Mills failed to receive the all-important endorsement of the Church of Satan.
Number 5 in an Ongoing Series
Otis the Onanistic Orangutan
“The Only Thing That Can Possibly Stop Me From Touching Myself Is A Nice Bowl of Wonder Whoopie Crisps!”
The strange this about Otis is that he did test extremely well with certain focus groups, but still didn’t make the cut. Despite his obvious appeal, it boils down to the probably fact that General Mills, unlike Marvel Comics, didn’t want to be seen as publicly courting the pervert demographic.
Number 4 in an Ongoing Series
Ignatz the Abstract-Expressionist Iguana
"Trying To See The Iguana Is Merely A Vestigial Impulse Of The Euro-Centric Aesthetic Fascism Of Representative Imagery – But If There Was An Iguana, He’d Sure Love To Eat These Delicious Fruity Flakes!"
I don’t know why this one didn’t fly. Kids love modern art. Perhaps there was a licensing snafu.
Number 3 in an Ongoing Series
Kory the Kiss Army Kangaroo
“It's cold gin time again,
You know it's the only thing that keeps us together,
Besides eating a bowlful of these delicious Berry Bunches of Oats!”
Apparently Kiss wasn’t a very recognizable license for the under-five set.
Number 2 in an Ongoing Series
Alphonse The Jazzy Alligator
"Daddy Needs His Medicine . . . And A Heapin’ Spoonful Of Wacky Sugar Pops!"
For some reason this mascot made a number of General Mills executives very nervous. They did suffer financially after pulling plans for the character, as the had lined-up an extremely lucrative merchandising deal with Oneida to make special Alphonse Alligator cereal/miscellaneous spoons.
Number 1 in an Ongoing Series
Morris The Suicidal Marsupial
"I Love Fruity Winks So Much I Have To End It All Now."
Apperently this one didn't test very well with confused tots.
